Fire Emblem 4: Genealogy of the Holy War [Ep.1] – Crustacean Invasion

What do you do if you’re completely burnt
out on anime and can barely stand watching a single episode a week but your entire channel
is based around it? Play some fire emblem. I mean, it’s got ships, waifus and it’s
Japanese so it’s practically anime, right? But anyways, I’ll be playing fire emblem
4: Genealogy of the Holy War. I’ve never played this before, and I’ve
heard it’s pretty hard, so wish me luck I guess. But enough dilly dally let’s get on with
it. A man stole a baby and all the dragons were
mad. So they breathed fire onto the land. And thus the land became fiery. But not for long, because the altar of the
blue flames awakened and the blue flames flew up into the sky and uhhh a triforce was also
there. And then the dragon was very mad and exploded
into purple, becoming the legendary super dragon and then exploded again into white
this time because you need some variety in your story. But now, thousands of years later, the time
has come to reuinite the blue flames once again to summon the golden dragon and do something
probably save the world or whatever. So now our heroes have to search across the
land for these legendary items, yeaaaah engaging and unique story. Fire emburemu something no something. Okay let’s begin. First off there’s this long list of dates
telling the history of the kingdom or something but no one really cares. Then there’s this cut scene that introduces
so many characters and so much lore that I just gave up trying to remember anything at
all. To summarise there’s a kingdom called Grandbell
with a bunch of duchies ruled over by a prince with luscious hair. The prince is assisted by someone very confident,
I mean I would be too with a beard like that and of course we also have the lord of the
rings, wait what did you say, it’s copyrighted? Ugh, sorry about that, uhh, well let’s just
call him lord ring cause he only has one ring wait shi-. Anyways, blah blah blah some evil looking
guys pop up as well as everyone’s favourite musician elvis. And then, suddenly Isaac attacks a nearby town in the
east and the prince goes to fight back but it was all a bait. The kingdoms in the west he thought were his
allies came in for a shneak attack while he was gone, and in my opinion it’s all the
prince’s fault. I mean, look at this guy, seriously, tell
me he doesn’t just scream villain, especially when all the good guys look like women you
gotta be suspicious of the one guy that actually has a chin. But alas Prince Gandalf attacks jungby in
search of the ring and the only one there to defend it is Lady Aideen. But with hair like that she could probably
hide the ring up there and it would take years before anyone ever found it. Luckily for us, marth appears to save the day and
blah blah blah blah blah blah blah let’s just get onto the gameplay please, thank you. But of course before we actually get to play
there’s still some more talking to do. So to just give you guys an idea of each soldier’s
personality I’ve compiled a few quotes. Here we go. “None of us are going anywhere milady. We’re here for you till the very end.” “Oh thank you Midir.” Ahh, so it’s Milady and Midir. “I’m so sorry to put you through all this.” “Verdane’s army may be full of barbarians,
but it’s huge. There are bound to be casualties. I can’t get you involved.” “Exacusa me sir? We were born into the knighthood and are prepared
to die fighting.” “Those barbarians’ll loot the place, kill errybody in sight, then burn it all to the ground.” “Sir I know I’m not supposed to be here but I’d like to join your asaaaaault. I’ve got very big hair as well, but not as big as the other lady I’m very jealous.” “Alright I do it. But you got ta promise to take me to battle
with you sometime.” So now, finally finally finally we can get
into the game. The first thing I notice is damn this map
is huge, huge and open. Which is definitely an advantage for the enemy
as they can overwhelm us with numbers so we’re probably going to slowly move forward to pick
the barbarians off one by one. Another thing I see is that roads decrease
your defence by 10% so whenever possible, or whenever I remember, I’ll try to avoid
fighting on those squares. And then there’s this goddamn cheater whose
already destroying the town before we even begin. But anyway, first up I move Sigurd, the one
with the white horse, up to the enemy. I’m assuming this guy’s the pre-promote
or jeigan or whatever the fire emblem fans call it so I do the math to make sure he doesn’t
take the kill away from my other two units. And then he does exactly that. Apparently the game doesn’t tell you if
you attack twice or not so from now on I guess I gotta be more mindful of that. So then I move up Noish and Alec in front
of Sigurd to make sure he doesn’t take any more exp and end my turn. Gandalf starts the enemy turn strongly by
straight up murdering Midir. Midir? More like Midead. Haha, get it, cos he’s dead rest in peace
our first casualty. But anyway the baddies capture milady and
take her to another castle, using the worst possible path to get there. Seriously, there’s a footpath right there and
your not going to use it? And then on top of that they walk through
the river when there’s a bridge literally a couple of metres above them. And then finally to top it all off the genius
Gandalf tells this guy to destroy the bridge to prevent us from getting across. Like, what am I even supposed to say to that? You’re an idiot. Moving on though the enemy finally makes their
move. This axe guy tries to sneak up on Alec by
pretending to be a crab but Alec is unphased and bops him on the head twice with his sword. So far so good but then we see the enemy begin
to destroy the villages. In this Fire Emblem game the villages take
multiple turns to destroy which is great because I thought there was no hope left for any of
them but it also means we gotta get a move on if we want to save the people. I say save the people but really I just want
their money. Now that it’s back to our turn we get introduced
to two more friendly units: Azel and Lex. Azel has a crush on the big haired milady
Aideen which at first I thought was hinting at some sweet, sweet yuri but later on I regrettably
realised that Azel is in fact a guy. This was made even worse by the fact that
before I came to this realisation I said: Ooo those legs, dang, those sexy legs. Yeah, I mean, what can I say he has some
nice legs you can’t blame me for that right? But before we move on we have a quick commercial break. And we’re back. So after checking the enemy’s range I proceed
to spend the next few minutes to continue to be confused about who’s the best out
of my horse trio and who should I level up the most. After concluding that yes Sigurd is definitely
the prepromote and so I should not feed him the exp, I end up feeding him the exp. But it’s okay because we saved the village. But more importantly we took their hard earned
cash because we’re heroes, and that’s what heroes do. After that I go on to save another village
using our newly obtained trap and his magic powers. He probably uses those powers to make his
legs so silky smooth goddamn. But back to saving the village we pretend
to listen to this senile old man blabbering on about some nonsense before swiping his
wallet and leaving 5000 gold richer. Now we end our turn and see what happens. First up another crab scuttles up to Noish
to avenge his fallen comrades. Unfortunately for him Noish is a renowned
chef and crab cake is his speciality. But the crabs just keep on coming and one
even manages to trade blows with Lex. However, as rumours of the terrifying chef
Noish spread across the land the other crabs think it safest to run away and hide in any
nearby villages. While this would be fine in any other universe,
it just so happens that the crabs in this one have a strange love for arson. So as our turn begins once more my plan is
to quicken my advance and save those villages from the crab invasion. But of course before we can do anything we
have 3 more characters to introduce. Our first real woman appears and it’s Sigurd’s
sister Ethlin, accompanied by her husband Cuan. Also there’s the third wheel Fin but who
cares about him. Anyway, our turn begins with only two enemy
units close enough to attack, a crab and an archer. I take down crab with Fin and Ethlin to give
them some exp and then run away into better cover using the cavalry’s special ability. Cuan then gets some free damage onto the archer
since they can only attack from two spaces away. Lex proceeds to straight up murder this guy
but then instantly regrets it and hurries off to the nearby church to cleanse him of
his sins. I vagely remember someone explaining how you
can heal your units at a church in exchange for cash so it turns out that stealing that
old man’s life savings was the right thing to do. I move Azel up to the closer enemy and kill
him from range as he stands there entranced by his beautiful legs. And finally I move Sigurd, Noish and Alec
just outside the enemy’s range to bait him closer and hopefully take him out next turn. But before that we have Evan’s phase. Who’s Evan again? Ah whatever we’ve got better things to worry
about like this archer that narrowly misses Fin as well as the hordes of enemies that scuttle
towards us. One of them manages to do a decent chunk of
damage to Lex while he was busy saying his prayers. “To the father, the son and the holy fuck
ow what was that.” But luckily for us the church promises to
overlook all the swearing and the murder in exchange for a bit of moolah and promptly
heal Lex back to full at the start of our next turn. But before that the crabs begin their crazy
arson spree, burning down every village in sight. We don’t have any time to waste so I get
Alec and Sigurd to take out the hand axe user we baited in last turn, with Sigurd the greedy
bastard taking all the exp once again. Then with their second moves I go south because
it seems like that’s where all the enemies are going. Noish attacks the nearby axe user but does
minimal damage and in return becomes low on health. I run him a few spaces away and heal him up
with Ethlin. Fin takes care of the archer while Cuan finishes
Noish’s job, leaving only one more enemy in range. Then Cuan has a nice little chat with Sigurd
but nothing important is said so I’ll spare you the details. On the other side of the map we have Lex,
now under the blessings of god, give this hand axe user some divine retribution for
disrupting the holy grounds. Then he proceeds to sneak past the enemy’s
main forces to save the village in the top left corner. Azel finishes Lex’s job and takes out the
hand axe user but takes some heavy damage in return. If I was a smart man I would have moved him
onto the church to attack so that he would be healed the next turn, but I think I’ve
already given the church enough trouble for one day. Oh yeah and he levelled up, the first one
of the playthrough and it seemed pretty decent, so I guess respecting the holy grounds was
the correct decision after all. But before we end the turn let’s check up on our boy Ardan. [cue sad music] “Why everyone always leave Ardan by himself? Me want to play with crabbies too. Life so unfair. Ardan very sad.” Well, well now I just feel bad. Don’t worry Ardan, I’ll make sure you
get plenty of time to play with the crabbies next time. The enemy phase begins and not too much happens. One guy manages to trade blows with Alec while
the others continue to play with fire. Also notice how none of the enemies seem to
attack Noish? They’re learning, the crabs are getting
smarter. But now it’s back to our turn. I move Lex closer to the village and Azel
onto the church to heal up. Then Fin FINishes off the closer enemy while
Noish and Alec double up on the other one. You may not know this but Noish and Alec are
actually rivals in the culinary arts so seeing them work together like this is quite a rare
opportunity. I guess their joint love of crustacean cuisine
is enough to overcome the fierce competition prevelant in the cooking scene. Ethlin heals up Alec while the two white horses
move up to bait the enemy in. And guess what the crabs just can’t resist
and come charging in hook, line and sinker. Sigurd levels up but our excitement is fleeting
as homes continue to be charred to a crisp. In an effort to at least save one of the remaining
villages Lex rides up and attacks the pyromaniac, only to miss the 92% accurate shot. And that folks is why in fire emblem you have
to regard any shot that’s not 100% as possible misses and so before the battle began I made
sure that Lex could survive at least 2 hits from the enemy. Luckily for us though he manages to miss as
well. Azel, after healing up, moves towards his
buddy in case he needs backup. And on what feels to be the opposite side of the
world we have Fin and Alec take down one enemy and then pull back into a defensive formation
to protect the wounded. After a bit of fiddling with different characters
and weapons I finally figure out a way to not have Sigurd steal all the exp so after
Sigurd serves the main dish Noish comes in with dessert. And while I personally question serving crab
cake for dessert I’ll just put my faith in the professionals. The other horsemen then have their turn and
retreat back to create a beautiful wall. A small tip when creating walls is that enemies
can’t walk diagonally so even though it looks kinda thin our boy Fin is perfectly
safe behind everyone else. And then I realise that I can just heal him
up with Ethlin so building that wall was completely pointless. But sadly that’s all we have time for in this episode. Will Lex finally manage to save the poor village? Will Sigurd stop stealing all the exp? Find out next time on Fire Emblem 4: Genealogy of the Holy War. See you then. [the fire emblem theme played poorly on the piano by yours truly, the trusty yamaha]


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