Fire Emblem 4: Genealogy of the Holy War [Ep.2] – Horrifying Half-naked Hooligans

Previously, on Fire Emblem 4: Genealogy of
the Holy War. crabs crabs crabs crabs crabs crabs crabs. Picking up right where we left off, our heroes,
after building a completely useless wall, brace for impact as the enemy turn begins. But anyways, it’s time for the enemy phase. The archer goes for Ethlin while the axe user
fights Noish. The crabs’ love of arson is apparently so
strong that they completely ignore enemies standing right next to them. This gives us the initiative so I attack the
criminal and actually land a hit this time, levelling up in the process. It’s a shitty level up sure, but a level
up nonetheless. Down below, Fin finishes off the archer and
then I make my most stupid decision yet. Noish asks me: “hey boss, coulda you please
senda me in? I want to make things a littlea bit spicy.” And oh boy did he make things spicy because
there was literally a 36% chance that he would outright die. That decision was so terrible that my computer
deleted that scene out of pure embarrassment but I’m just happy we still have our head
chef’s head fully intact. And Alec agrees as he swiftly takes down the
enemy while shouting “what good is a rival if he is dead” and no truer words have ever
been spoken. So, after that close brush with death we take
a moment to recollect ourselves and heal up. Luckily for us the enemy seems content to
just continue to burn down innocent people’s houses and don’t come after us. However, this means we are the ones that must
attack, and against such a fortified castle it’ll be pretty tough. Sigurd initiates cleanly and then backs off
into a forest tile for extra evasion. Alec finishes off the first foe and also retreats. The rest of the army stands in a way to minimise
the number of enemies that can attack the same person. The only one who can be attacked from all
sides is Sigurd and out of all my units I feel like he can take the most hits. Now Lex finally finishes off the crazy crab
in the corner and then gets lectured by this old woman who talks about some fing, a tyrfing
I think it was? But it was worth it cos she gave us a bunch
of gold. Then I move Azel barely into the range of
one of the enemies to the south to bait him in. And for the first time ever, everything goes
according to plan. The enemies are unable to penetrate our wall
to the south and the crab to the north shuffles up towards Azel to his doom. And now with the ball back in our court all
we have to do is clean up the few remaining soldiers protecting the castle. We place priority on the two enemies that
actually moved last turn as it seems like the other two are fine just standing there
like a couple of morons. Then we move down Lex and Azel to try and
save what remains of the nearby village. After an uneventful enemy turn I move up Sigurd
and Alec to do some damage while Fin and Noish finish the job. Up north I move Lex down closer to the perpetrator
while Azel has a nice nap or something and stays where he was. In reality I just misclicked the end turn
button but we’ll just pretend that Azel’s a lazy shit instead. The enemy then proceeds to burn down the house
that Lex is standing on, which seems like it would be dangerous but Lex just stands
there unphased. Cuan tries to impress his brother in law by
jumping in and saving the village to the south but misses completely. So, in true brotherly fashion, Sigurd swoops
in and cleans up the mess Cuan just made. We managed to save just one home in the village
but it was worth it because the one remaining survivor gives us some sweet, sweet drugs. But anyway, it’s finally time to take down
the castle. Noish leads the charge against Lord DiMaggio
who apparently left half his armour in the wash, either that or Nintendo wanted to slip
in a bit of fan service for you ladies out there. And you men, I mean, even I can appreciate
some nice muscles when I see them. Then Fin and Alec take their turns whittling
down Maggy’s HP, making sure to do the math before committing to prevent any unwanted
deaths. Ethlin heals up Fin once again, which is starting
to get a little bit suspicious. Like seriously, how many times has this been
already? I said earlier that Fin was the third wheel
but maybe Cuan has to watch out before Ethlin starts giving Fin a different kind of healing. Moving on though, Lex does some solid damage
onto this WAIT WHAT ANOTHER 92% MISS? If the enemy wasn’t so fixated on burning
everything to the ground we might actually be in trouble. Luckily for us Azel wakes up from his slumber
and moves up to take care of the last arson-loving crab next turn. Maggy heals a bit of HP back but doesn’t
do much else. On our turn Azel gives the crab a taste of
his own medicine with some 5th degree burns. Lex goes into town but there he is met by
the same old man we rescued before. The old man must’ve realised we stole his
wallet and came chasing after us. Luckily, by the time he caught up he’d already
forgotten why he was even chasing us in the first place, so he decides to just give us
another boring lecture. Since we already swiped his wallet before
he doesn’t have much cash left on him, but money is money so we take the 500 gold anyway. Back with our main forces I get Noish to do
some damage and let Fin finish him off. There’s a reason why all his friends call
him the Finisher. Wait, what was that? Fin doesn’t actually have any friends and
just pretends that everyone calls him that because he wants to be loved? Aww that’s alright Fin, we’ll be your
friends, we’ll call you the Finisher, even if it is a little bit cringey. Moving on though we put Alec onto the forrest
tile to safely bait one of the enemies towards us while Cuan and Ethlin exchange some secret
goods, probably nudes. I mean, back in those days they didn’t have
these newfangled smartphones and internets, they had to do things the old fashioned way. And I mean the pen, paper and lots of imagination type way. But anyway, Sigurd goes and seizes the castle. This girl that I totally forgot even existed
appears and then disappears again and we find Midir’s dead body on the concrete. Wait he’s not dead? Goddamnit man do you know how much we’ve already spent getting your funeral prepared? You should have just stayed dead. “Oh sorry what was that Sir Sigurd?” “Uhh nothing Midir, glad to have you back.” I mean, at least now we have a bow knight… yay…hallelujah. But then… holy shit that’s a lot of enemies. The two closer ones fall right into our trap
but Lex falls down to 3 HP, which was totally calculated. Then the fabulous Elvis makes his debut on
the battlefield and promptly starts dissing our boy Sigurd: But now that it’s back to our turn we have
to figure out how to deal with the huge crab invasion. Azel cooks the closer crab while retreating
back to join the main forces and Lex runs to the church to heal. Midir shows us what he’s capable of and
then everyone gallops up to join the purse pilfering partners. [insert ain’t nothing gonna break my style song] The enemy charges forward predictably and
end their turn. But before we begin ours, we have a quick commercial break. (not really tho) And we’re back. Sigurd goes up to talk with Elvis, hoping
to recruit him into our army, but all he does is give us a silver sword and hightail it
out of there. I guess it must be pretty busy being the king
of rock and roll and all. But I mean, come on, you could have at least given us an autograph or anything! But anyway, after wasting our time with that
I spend the next few minutes checking the range of all the enemies and counting squares
to figure out where to build our wall. And yes, we’re going to build another wall. Hey it’s the only strategy I’ve got and it works. [ain’t nothing gonna break my stride cont.] Everything goes according to plan as only
3 enemies are in range and none of them do any significant damage. But now what, you may ask, as the enemy is
too close and can get around our wall next turn. And to that I say, this wall is no ordinary
wall, it can move. And thus comes probably the most important
tactic in a map as open as this: kiting. By moving back every turn to just within the
opponent’s range you can limit the number of enemies that hit you while still whittling
down their HP. And so the crabs come waddling down one by
one to their death. While they’re too scared to face the mighty
chef Noish, Alec shows the enemy that he also knows his way around the kitchen. And would you look at that, their forces don’t
look nearly as intimidating as before so we decide to push up and take care of the stragglers. And like the staff of a 5 star restaurant
the team works together to quickly and efficiently serve our customers, and the only thing on
today’s menu is death. [insert Rocky’s montage theme that is definitely not overused or anything] The enemy spend their turn frozen in shock
at the sight of a moving wall so we take this chance to move up once again in hopes that
they’ll remain too scared to move. But I was sorely mistaken because the enemy
wasn’t frozen in fear but frozen in awe and now they come rushing at us to get a closer
look at our magical wall. And oh boy are they going to get a closer
look. First up I move Sigurd in to get some free
damage onto the hand axe user leading the charge. Then after making sure Midir can survive an
attack from the archer next turn I have him finish the guy off. After quickly building the wall again and
ending our turn the curious tourists come lining up at our front door to have a tour. Unfortunately for them it’s actually a public
holiday today so visitors are strictly forbidden. The tourists cry out in anger and even begin
acting violent against the very wall they adore. But this wall can not only move but fight
back as well so I have Sigurd teach the angry tourists a little lesson before falling back
with the rest of the army. Before I end my turn though Azel decides to
have a chat with Sigurd. The conversation doesn’t make any sense
as he talks about his brother Elvis as if he didn’t just appear a couple of minutes
ago. I guess Azel must’ve been dozing off again
that lazy bastard, next time make sure you get enough sleep before coming to a war. In Evans phase the crazy tourists just keep
charging forward demanding we let them in but our security guard Alec shows them who’s
boss. Back in our phase we continue to kite the
enemy as usual but then I make a huge mistake. With all of my other units being on horseback
it’s easy to forget that Azel, our mage, has a much shorter walking distance than everyone
else. This means that he can’t make it behind
our wall and has to stand in the front lines, where he can be hit by 2 enemies at once. As mages are quite squishy, this could lead
to outright death. The only one left to do anything is Midir
but he doesn’t have any way of helping Azel as standing in front of him will just get
him killed instead, so I move him down to give Azel moral support as the team all crosses
their fingers and hopes for the best. First Fin takes down the enemy to the north
but then comes the moment of truth. With a 60% chance to hit everyone holds their
breath as the crab scuttles up to Azel and just like that a collective sigh of relief
echoes throughout the army as Azel comes out of the battle without even a scratch. And after witnessing Azel’s amazing luck
the archer decides it’s not even worth it and goes for Sigurd instead. The arrow is cleanly dodged and now all that’s
left is to finish the remaining enemy. Sigurd whittles down one of the archers while
Azel does the same to a hand axe user, dodging yet another greater than 50% chance hit. Damn this boy DOES NOT mess around, at least
when he’s not busy taking a nap. Cuan shows off by taking an archer down single-handedly
while Fin kills the guy with only 2 HP left. Like, we get that you’re Fin the Finisher
and all but I think we now understand why Ethlin chose Cuan over you. Alec and Midir kill the last two remaining
foes and then everyone moves up towards the final remaining castle. [ain’t nothing gonna stop me from using this song again cont. cont.] The next few turns are spent riding to victory
while Azel lags behind half asleep. Ah well, I guess he’s done enough work for
one day so I’ll let him rest up a bit. [cont. cont. cont.] Finally we reach the castle only to find yet
another horrifying half-naked hooligan waiting for us. At this point victory is all but secured so
the team decides to screw around a bit and rather than all charging the castle together
go in one by one to see who can land the finishing blow. It takes the entire army to topple this monster
but in true anime fashion, for the first time in his life, Fin misses his Finishing blow
and Cuan has to come to his rescue and defeat the final boss. “But why Cuan, why did you save me?” “Because you are my friend, and what kind
of friend would stand by and watch the other die?” “Oh Cuan! *sob* *sob*” “Oh Fin, you fkin bastard tried to steal my wife if she wasn’t right there I’d
fking kill you.” “*sniff* Sorry what was that?” “Oh, oh nothing Fin just thinking about
how much I love you.” “I love you too Cuan, I love you so muhahach.” “Yes yes Fin now could you get off me you’re
smearing snot all over my armour.” And thus the prologue comes to a close. But before that we get one more old man to
lecture us. Sigurd becomes a Holy Knight of the Kingdom
and we are told that we get a cash prize for each castle we manage to protect. And I think we all know which of those two
I’m most excited about. But alas, it’s time for this episode to
come to an end. With the crab infestation finally dealt with
in Grandbell, join us next time on Fire Emblem 4: Geneology of the Holy War, where Sigurd
and our team of unlikely heroes head west to rescue Milady Aideen. See you then.

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