Get-Together: The App for Family Reunions

Here we are,
another family reunion. Are you even related
to half of these people? If only you could make
this night more interesting. Who is that? Slow down, sport. She could be that long-lost
first cousin from Ohio. You better open “Get Together.” The new app that spices up
any family reunion. “Get Together” analyzes your DNA
with the state-of-the-art secretion scanner. The scanner evaluates your genes
in seconds. Simply smear any volatile fluid
on the scanner, and “Get Together” will tell you
if you can go to the bone zone. Want more? We got you. Once you add your DNA
to our database, you’ll unlock
our “Branch Out” feature. Using face recognition software, “Branch Out” scans all
our app users to tell you that great-aunt Claudia
is a sadist. And once it’s time
to settle down, we’ll walk you down the aisle
with our “Soul Mate” feature. When you’re looking for that
special someone who can preserve
the family gene pool, but won’t push out a kid
with birth defects, “Soul Mate” will find
your one true love. And for those
brokenhearted nights, we got your back
with “Don’t Screw The Pooch.” The minute you smear
a non-human sample on your secretion scanner, we’ll alert
your emergency contact. Because no one wants
to end a party having [bleep] with a dog. Most of life is boring, family reunions shouldn’t be. So download “Get Together,” the newest app from Because remember,
family always comes first.


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