How WHITE is Dan?! – DNA TEST RESULTS


Hello, internet. In these times, where, apparently, some people find it difficult to tell the difference between protesting against racism and…racism I thought it would be relevant and mildly interesting to make a video about the shared genetic history of all humans, by finding out the origin of my ancestors. Because you know, once, we were all just lizards or something, all together on Pangea and now, it seems we’re all floating slowly apart metaphorically and physically until the inevitable nuclear apocalypse blows our planet into tiny chunks floating infinitely into the abyss of space… So Phil, who’s done one of these videos himself, ordered me one of these DNA test kits off the internet, which, you can understand I was a bit scared to do for quite a while, because spitting into a tube and mailing it to some laboratory somewhere — You can see how that’s weird, right? But hey, I thought, ‘Now is the time’. This one is actually run by Mark Zuckerberg’s wife. So, now as well as my personal information and secrets, Zuck has my genetic code! Ready to clone me, and replace me with a compliant artificial intelligence. [Robotic Voice] I am coming for you, Danny! So, I used the name ‘John Johnson’, as if there’s any point in trying to protect my identity on the internet. Okay, are you ready? Am I ready? I have no idea what to expect, to be honest. Let’s go! I’m going to be related to a giraffe or something, aren’t I? Dan’s ancestry: (chuckles) Lookin’ pretty white! … Okay, wow. That is er — one blue circle right there, isn’t it, ‘JJ’? Okay, let’s get into the numbers. Wow, 98.2% European.
[Cheering Kids: Oh wow!] There we go — okay, this was a fun video. Learnt a lot. Time to go; bye everyone! Mostly British and Irish, with a bit of French and German. Wow! Well, my ancestors really got out there and saw the world, didn’t they? They literally stuck to FOUR countries. 2% Scandinavian, 4% Southern European; Okay, SOMEONE saw the sun at least. 0% Asian or American. Didn’t wanna go on any long walks, or get on a boat, huh? I guess I can understand that. 0% Middle Eastern, 1.8% West African That is INCREDIBLY specific. A long history of people that don’t travel AT ALL, and then all of a sudden, a Scandi and a West African get it together. So, according to the timeline, at some point between 1780 and 1870, there was a 100% West African and Scandinavian couple. What is the story there? Let me look it up. According to Wikipedia, in the 1800s, Scandinavians emigrated to Africa for better farming, because they were all dying. I-I mean you can’t blame them. It is pretty cold up there, I guess. This is actually really weird, because one half of my family are all just farmers, living in the countryside. I’m not close to them, but once I went to a family reunion and I had, like, 400 distant cousins? It was the weirdest thing ever. [Suspenseful Music]
But on the other side of my family, my Grandma was adopted, and literally, nobody knows anything about my Grandma’s family. So, if anyone had the half Norway, half Ghana grandparents, it has to be that mysterious Grandma. I feel like there’s some epic, adventurous story behind that for another time. And, wow, look, you can literally see the journey that they did. So, in the beginning, like all of us, started in Africa and then hopped across the Red Sea. Apparently spent some time in Asia, presumably wrestling mammoths and getting frozen or something. And then buggered off to Europe, to get bitten by a rat, or something. And consistently had sex for thousands of years. [Clapping + Cheering]
Well done, ancestors. Truly incredible story. Lord of the Rings, 10/10, would read again. Alright, now the fun stuff. Apparently, by scanning the DNA, they can work out all kinds of weird things about your personality, and your health and biology. This is very intimate, specific information that is the kind of stuff I probably shouldn’t share with the internet, but (Laughing) I’m just a piece of meat. Let’s get into it. ‘Neanderthal Ancestry’. How much of my DNA is similar to that of Neanderthal bones that they’ve fu — Jesus. I– I– (Laughs) I am more of a neanderthal than 82% of the people. Wow. I mean, I spend most of my time now hiding in a dank cave, so I see where I’ve got that from. Deep sleep. Apparently, I am ‘not likely’ to be an especially deep sleeper. That makes sense. As I always say, why bother sleeping, when you can stay awake thinking about stuff that makes you anxious? Right? [Distorted] Woo! Muscle composition. Okay, here we go. Ha ha! Ho ho! ..Hm. You have the genetic make-up of an ‘Elite Power Athlete’. What the fuck is that? Sprinting, throwing, and jumping. Aha, really? Okay, I don’t know if I’ve ever done a a ‘Sprint’, ‘Throw’, or a ‘Jump’ in my life before, but I guess I’ll have to take your word on that. I’m suddenly questioning this slightly, or maybe that’s just a testament to the wasted potential of my life spent sat in front of a computer, looking at memes, and talking about myself. Cheek dimples. This is importa– [Crickets Chirping] You are not likely to have cheek dimples. [Double Buzzer Noise] Look at this shi– I have DOUBLE cheek dimples. I’m deformed on both sides of my face. Clearly, this entire thing is just garbage pseudoscience. Out the window. What else could this farce tell me? Okay, blonde hair. ‘I am unlikely to have blonde hair’. You know what, I’m just gonna put this out there: I don’t really trust people with natural blond hair. I find it a bit creepy, being naturally blo– They’re like unicorns. Up to something, I always say. A decreased sensitivity to pain. Alright. Maybe that’s why I like the dentist. I’m one of those weirdos. When you go get your-your gums scraped, I’m not like “Woah”. I’m like “Keep it goin'”. Seriously, when most other people are like, “Oh, don’t put the drill in my mouth, I hate going to the dentist!” I’m like, “Scrape me dadd-” I can make a whole video about that. Don’t shame me. Response to exercise. Ha-ha! I can tell you that without looking at the results, mate. Uh-oh, the health section. Right, so, as well as all of the interesting stuff about your ancestry, and what it can tell you about your body, something that analyzing your DNA can do is tell you what possibly genetic diseases you might be predisposed to. And this is some pretty heavy stuff. So, there’s a huge disclaimer right here, that’s literally saying, “Once you open these results, it might drastically affect your life.” Because, if they say you’re more likely to get something when you’re older, then that might just be that. Sh– Sh– Should I do one? YOLO here we go [Clears Throat] This copy of your gene is not associated with higher risk for developing Alzheimer’s Disease. [Happy Double Ding] That was a risky click (Nervous Laugh) What the fuck is wrong with … (Screeching) OKAY, Moving on quickly — oh — oh my God. Forget all that. This — this is serious. Are you ready for this? The Red Hair Gene. This will truly affect my future, in ways I may not understand. I mean, you know, I did this video because I — I wanna be open, I wanna share these things with you, I hope that — you know — sharing my ancestry, and — you know — who I am, what I’m made of will-will make us all come together, but I hope you appreciate it. This is pretty heavy. Let’s do it. You have one variant in your gene associated with red hair. People with this result are known as carriers — (Voice Cracking) But they may have children with red hair. [Suspenseful Music] Oh my god — so you’re telling me, that there’s a chance, that I could have children born with RED HAIR?! Why wasn’t there a disclaimer for THIS one?! I can never take this ba- I’m just kidding, you beautiful sunset heads. Rub those freckles all over me. Okay! It’s time for the big one. THE question that my friends, people on the internet, have been wondering all this time… Skin pigmentation. How white IS Dan Howell? Are you ready for this? John, you are likely to have lighter skin. Okay, well yeah — yeah, I think we all guessed that– that bit. Thanks for that. What’s the number? Oh — (Laughs) WOW! 96% lighter skin. Look at this breakdown! It’s not even like — like at most, I am 25% light beige. Let’s be honest, light beige isn’t gonna get randomly selected for extra screening at Airport Security, is it? Consider this privilege checked. So, there we go! I hope you all learned something from this. Whether it’s that there’s the possibility that I will have a ginger child in the future, that nobody will believe is mine, or that humanity has so much in common and we shouldn’t be divided by fascism, or that in the near future, Zuck will be able to target ads to us, based on our genetic code. I mean, honestly, the Matrix is gonna happen, isn’t it? look at this technology. I really think we’ve got, like, twenty years tops, before society just implodes. I hope you found this interesting, and it compelled you to go spit in a tube, and send it to some scientist. Or, more likely, to definitely NEVER do it. And yeah, I’m gonna go work on becoming that ‘Elite Power Athlete’ that I was born to be, by seeing how many sit-ups I can do rocking backwards and forwards in the corner, crying whenever I read the news. [Robotic Noises] Give me a cheeky thumb tickle, if you enjoyed this if you haven’t yet, you can click here to subscribe to my channel. To see more of my videos, make sure to ring that Notifications Bell, because I upload so infrequently that the algorithm… I– I just must not exist in its eyes. My last video, which hasn’t been deleted yet, is over there; you can check out my side channel, for those hour-long Q&A livestreams that are super casual and intimate; and I’ll see you next time. Bye!

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