I regret putting my baby up for adoption.. The truth

hi guys I don’t really know where to
start with this video but the title is true I’ve I’ve been lying and I don’t
there’s a lot of stuff I’ve been hiding and a lot of things I’ve been keeping
from you guys just for the sake of my pride to make others happy I’ve been
praying for a while now I’ve been wanting to make a video like this
talking about the things I’ve been going through and the truth for a while now
but it puts other people at risk because it involves other people and I don’t
like mentioning other people in my videos because you know that is stuff
that goes on in other people’s lives so when something goes on with me and it
has to do with other people I do my best to be very careful with how I wear
things and try to keep them out of the video as much as possible while also
talking about myself back in the day on YouTube I didn’t care what people
thought I was really honest I was really blunt about my feelings about my life
about things I was going through and I would say anything and everything on the
internet which you know came back to bite me in the butt and you know made
people upset because I would mention things that people did to hurt me and so
over the past years I’ve tried really hard to keep people out of my channel
unless it’s extremely necessary to talk about my pulling in my feelings and I’m
still going to do that today but I’ve been trying so hard to keep everybody
happy and do what everybody wants me to do on my youtube and I’m not talking
about you guys I’m talking about the people in my personal life I’ve been
trying to keep information and do all this stuff and it’s starting to haunt me
and I’ve been praying and praying and praying and I’ve been talking to people
all over the world about this I’ve been calling adoption agencies about this
I’ve been finding out my legal rights about this because the truth is I’ve
been lying for awhile and I just can’t do it anymore
I’ve been lying to myself I’ve been lying to my friends I’ve been lying to
my internet I can’t I can’t pretend like everything’s fine and everything’s
normal because it’s it hasn’t been for a while now and I guess I’ll kind of
explain what I mean my new year’s resolution is to trust my gut to trust
God and do what I know is right and I just I can’t pretend and lie
anymore this year started out amazing this year started out beautiful I I met
my son I had a natural birth and I was the happiest I’ve been probably since I
was a child and everything was going good for a while I was happy I got
married I had my baby and everything was right like my relationships with
everyone seemed to be going good I was truly happy before I gave birth I was
going to therapy for my PTSD PTSD doesn’t just go away but I really
thought um the hard part of that was over and maybe I’m silly for thinking
that but I really I really I really thought things were gonna be good for a
while a few months ago I decided to go public with my story about the guy who
got me pregnant and what he did to me I almost didn’t make that video and the
reason why I almost didn’t make that video is because I knew the son I put up
for adoption when I was 15 would see that video someday and I knew it would
be hard for him it’s not easy to hear that or see that or you know know
anything about that that’s not something easy it’s not something easy to do and I
didn’t want to ever you know I didn’t I don’t want to make him feel bad about
himself or put him through a hard time so I almost didn’t make the video so I
talked to people and I talked to people and I prayed and I prayed and I prayed
and I decided to make it anyways and yeah one day my son may watch that one
day he’ll find out what his father you know what his biological father did to
me and it won’t be easy for him and I’m so sorry you know to my baby
that one day you’ll have to deal with that but I’ve learned that even though
that’s hard for him he’s gonna find out eventually and it can be a learning
lesson for him and I know that sounds really crazy but if you know he’s raised
the right way he’s raised to know that just because
he was a product of you know what happened with us doesn’t mean he’s a
mistake doesn’t mean you know anything about his
life he’s what you know he makes of himself what happened between his
biological mother me and his biological father doesn’t define him and it will be
hard but I’m not going to lie to myself and not speak up about you know my
assault just because I fear his pain that’ll have to deal with later I don’t
know if that makes sense it’s really hard to explain and I’m sorry Nova Nova
is your name that I named you in my stomach your parents don’t want me
saying your real name on here so even though Nova is not your real name I I
feel silly saying my adopted son you are my biological son and that’s what I will
refer to you just think of it as a nickname I’m sorry you you’ll have to
deal with that in your life but I hope you know the reason why I went forward
with that the reason why I wanted the world and you and everybody to know the
truth was because hiding and not going forward with something bad that happened
to you for the sake of protecting someone else is dangerous and I want to
protect you but I couldn’t I couldn’t not speak out over years and I hope you
learn from my mistakes and I hope you learn from your biological father’s
mistakes and I know that if you’re anything like me you’ll get through it
and I’ll make you a stronger person and it’ll teach you more about yourself and
how to respect women and treat women and once again I’m so sorry you had to go
through that another reason I share my story about my assault was because it it
helps other people there’s so many women in the world who are assaulted and never
speak up and I’m so glad I did because the video did amazing and I saved lots
of people’s life I had millions of people messaged me saying that you know
this helped them feel like they’re not alone and stuff and so even though you
know it was a hard thing to do and it you know is traumatic
some people to hear that story it did more good than harm after making that I
felt so relieved you know I was getting so many messages of people saying I’m so
brave that more women need to speak up more women need to speak about what
they you know went through what situations like that I have to be very
careful about how I say things but Nova’s parents didn’t like that video
and I mean I get it they know one day their sons gonna find that out they know
one day their son could watch that and they want to protect him and keep him
innocent as long as possible they were mad they thought it was disgusting that
I speak up about my story they thought that by me sharing my assault I wasn’t
thinking of Nova that I was selfish to speak up not by talking about Nova not
by talking about my feelings and those stories makes me selfish and it’s
disgusting and that I’m not thinking about him you know a lot more stuff and
um it broke my heart because I spent so long thinking about whether I should
make that video and because I was thinking of him and honestly I want him
to know the truth I want him one day to know that happened to me because I don’t
want to lie to him you know they said that by me making that video I’d be
making him out to be a mistake and that’s not true no babies are ever
a mistake it’s how you teach them there’s gonna be hard things in their life um
but the point is this isn’t me to bash them or put them on blast I get why they
say that I get why they think that um I see it from their perspective trust me I
do you know they want to protect him but it shattered my heart when I decided to have an adoption
it wasn’t until very last minute three weeks before meeting the family that I
would give Nova to the reason why I waited so long was because I I didn’t
have my parents approval or my family’s approval up until that point I was 15 I
was naive I didn’t know how adoption worked they
came to me and they said it will be extremely open you know they knew I did
YouTube they knew I talked about him they knew I did this stuff and you know
at 15 I figured you know they’re saying it’s open it’s gonna be open you know we
can work together and stuff like that and um I didn’t have any time to look
for other families they were a Christian family they promised me you know they
could do all these things um so I accepted and I remember I was holding
him and my mom comes in and she says you know if you don’t want to go through
with it you don’t have to and I almost didn’t I
almost decided to keep him but then I thought of the family in the other room
the mom and the dad I promised to make parents the ones that have been waiting
for their son to be adopted I thought about the fact that they couldn’t have
kids and I didn’t want to break their hearts and say I wanted him after all
and I knew that at the time I thought I was doing what was best and maybe I
still was I don’t know and I said no I need to go through with my decision I I
wanted to name you Nova and they didn’t you know they said they didn’t like Nova
they’d changed your name if I decided to name you Nova that and that’s fine
at that point it’s not my legal right but I’d be lying if I said it
didn’t break my heart and it started out great you know I visited him I posted
pictures of us about em I got to still share my story
and over time that started to be taken away first it was I don’t want you
sharing pictures of him anywhere and I understood I have a big following I get
it it’s scary it’s dangerous especially for people who don’t understand the
internet people were making fan pages using his face and that scared him I get
it or that scared them Leo’s away I did everything I could to make them happy
because I wanted them to like me I wanted them to talk about me in a
positive way you know but I deleted everybody I had not met in person off my
facebook their reasoning for me not talking about him or sharing pictures of
him or anything was because I had a lot of people follow me that they don’t know
so I deleted anybody I don’t know off my facebook I private’d it
made my settings super private and they still didn’t approve that for me and it
was confusing because everybody else my family my mom my grandma aunts uncles
they were all allowed to post pictures they were all allowed to post videos to
talk as much as they want and they will add anybody to their Facebook just about and
I don’t blame them I’m happy for them I’m happy you know they got to do that
but it didn’t make sense it wasn’t fair and I respect it yeah because I wanted
them to like me and then after the things they said to me about the assault
thing I snapped all the therapy I’ve worked on all the mental health I’ve
worked on everything went away and I had the worst panic attack I’ve ever had in
my life and I cried and I cried and I cried and I cried and I thought I regret
my decision I regret not writing out a contract I regret not defining exactly
what openness meant and I really felt I made the worst decision in my entire
life I sacrificed apart of my self and a part of my soul so someone else
can have a family and I deal with that every day so to be
treated like that from people I do love and the people I trusted shattered
me I love him and I’ve never felt like this before I can’t go back in time I
also can’t trap myself and lie when they told me all those things about me that
I’m selfish and disgusting all that stuff I believed it I thought wow I’m a
terrible birth mom I’m a terrible person I’m this and that and I called adoption
agencies around the world I spoke to people around the world and they all said
something different they said that I’m not doing anything wrong I haven’t seen
Nova in a long time because quite frankly it hurts too bad in the
beginning I could only see him so long without going to my car and crying and
me and that family are completely 100 hundred percent different and that’s
fine but I don’t feel welcomed by them and for a long time I didn’t talk about
it because I thought they might sue me or I thought they might you know I don’t
know try and do something legally but turns out I’m in my legal rights the
adoption you know agencies told me that by sharing my story online sharing my
assault sharing my pregnancy sharing my feelings about adoption is not only
amazing for adoption awareness but if it helps me it helps me cope then that’s
what matters and if I know I’m doing something good that that’s what matters
and if they don’t like that then I don’t know what to do I want to make them
happy I want them to like me but they’re never gonna be happy unless I stay
a silent mute you I guess I don’t really know I regret the adoption I’m blessed to have
them and I’m blessed that they’re able to give my son opportunities but if I
would have known all this would have happened I never would have gone through
with it and the truth is I don’t know when I want to see nova again because
if he’s raised to think I’m this terrible person then that sounds
terrible I don’t know it’s it’s hard it’s confusing all I can do is pray and
go to church and keep following my gut my husband tells
me that he will grow up and he’ll know the truth one day he’ll want to know me
hopefully and if he doesn’t that’s fine I’ll respect it he’ll want to know my
truth and my stories and I hope that’s I hope that’s right I don’t know I’m just
I’m struggling really really bad that’s really it that’s that that’s the truth I
I don’t really know where to end this I guess I’m just going to keep praying and
put my trust in God bye guys


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