IT’S IN THE GENES / STORY


– So I’m gonna set the setting for you, me, high school, freakin’ high school, and a pair of acid wash jeans. I freakin’ hate all pants. Jeans, slacks, Slinkys, and Khakis, especially khakis, I hate khakis. Pants do this thing on me where it sounds like a ship trying to set sail every time I walk. That’s because I, I never
got the junk in the trunk. In fact I never got a trunk. Everybody else got trunks,
I didn’t get a trunk. I got like a briefcase, or actually, you know, I got a manila folder. So high school me was in homecoming week. The next day was century day and that meant I had to dress
up as somebody in the 80’s. That meant I had to hit
up the thrift stores. The only thing I hate more than pants is pants shopping in a place that smells like microwaved
pee laced with Captain Crunch. But I needed to find a
pair of acid wash jeans. I couldn’t find a size
in the men’s section, okay, but I did find a pair of jeans. They might have been mom
jeans, but they were jeans. They fit me, and they weren’t acid wash, but they were very 80’s. I tried them on, they were tight, they were tight, but whoa, yeah. I looked good in them, I looked good. I was like freakin’ USDA prime cut choice. So I bought them up. I mean, it’s not like
anyone was gonna know that I was wearing mom jeans. I’m a crafty freakin’ guy. You put me in a tool
shed with a stick of gum and a pack of googly eyes, I’ll make you a pair of roller blades. And you, that’s, how the
freak am I gonna do that? I thought I could do
the acid washing myself. So I go home and I
rubber band the jeans up and I dunk em in some bleach. I know nothing about bleach, I know nothing about the 80’s. I’m a 90’s kid, you know. I know about freakin’
Surge and Family Matters. So I let it meta-morph
overnight in the bleach. The next morning I go downstairs, I get the jeans, I put the jeans on, and yeah, they were tight. They actually redefined
the meaning of tight. But I caught myself in the mirror. And this was when I realized that I had a storage unit back there. Full of junk back there. I was rocking these jeans. I don’t know how, I don’t know why. They chose me. The look was complete. I look like an idiot, but an 80’s idiot. My friends arrive to pick me up and while I’m in the car I start sensing a uh, aroma. I couldn’t put my finger on exactly where or what it was, but it smelt like BO, fermented in a bad of
vinegary Twizzlery soup. We get to school and I
go to my first class. Art class, which meant lots of
walks to the pencil sharpener to show off my freshly
minted divine backyard buns. High school me thought
the ladies were all about, you know, the backyard buns. You know, that’s what they looked for. I don’t even know if that’s true. You know, I don’t even, I still
don’t know if that’s true. I hope they just look out for like elbows. Look at those ‘bows. Cause that would widen up the
field for a lot of people. Yeah. By the way, I’ve got great freakin’ ‘bows. Look at these. I’m in art class and I’m coloring a Bert and Ernie still life. I start smelling the freakin’
foul odor from the car ride. I mean, it’s like something
out of the Dagobah system. You know, it’s like something died, regained life, died, and
then like died again. Death squared, or a double death. But people around me are
starting to smell it, it was like I got hugged by Daryl from Walking Dead. Season 17 Daryl. Just thinking about that (chokes). So I get up to “sharpen my pencils” and somebody shouts out, “Hey, what’s that smell?” I can’t even blame them, it was like freakin’
fermented double death wrapped up in a wet hair dog pancake. I drop my color pencil and I, as I get up I catch a smell, a smell of my freakin’ jeans. The gosh dang, freakin’ acid wash jeans. Dang it. I was so caught up in being crafty, I didn’t think about washing the jeans, after I’d gotten them
from the thrift store, and after bleaching them all night. This was high school, so I do want any high schooler would do, tactfully evade any responsibility and knowledge of the problem. So I just, I just off on the class. Who is doing, who is, just what is? Oh, my eyes, ow. My eyes, (screams). A dramatic representation of what I said, I actually just said,
“It smells like freakin’ “a wormhole of butt holes in here “and I’m gonna get to the
bottom of this (laughs).” Everyone can smell it at this point, it’s not going away, okay,
it’s just intensifying. It’s actually going Super Saiyan. So to throw everybody off I decide to walk to different points in the classroom. And about that time somebody says, “What, it’s over here now, oh.” Nobody knew it was me. The smell was unbearable,
but my butt was on point. That’s actually how I think
I ensnared my girlfriend, because man, whew, ooh, ooh, ooh. She was in the art class, yeah. I mean, it could be a coincidence, maybe. Or maybe. This was however the first period of a seven period day, so
I was in a world of crap. I was already getting sick off the fumes of bleached fibers. I found myself next in the
worst place imaginable. A high school bathroom. (grunts) I think I actually might have passed out. Um, cause I was
essentially smelling bleach for about four hours by now (laughs). I wake up to the janitor
walking into the bathroom. He starts cleaning the bathroom. So I decided I was going to walk out and I was gonna say I was sick, that I was late for class, and I gotta go. So I walk out and we catch eyes and I can’t think straight, but I say, “What year is it?” Honestly, I’m surprised I
said anything in English. And (laughs) he says, “2005.” In life we’re faced with many, you know, errors. We make mistakes, you know, and sometimes you’ve
just gotta roll with it. So uh, I was going to roll with this. Realizing that I look
straight out of the 80’s and realizing that I was going
insane off of bleach fumes, I freaking’ just say, “It worked. “It worked. It worked.” I see on his name tag it says James and (mumbling), “James, we can fix everything.” I have never seen a more terrified face in my entire life. He goes ghost white (laughs). He drops his mop and he
walks out of the bathroom. I don’t know if it get the principle, I don’t know if he’s just gonna leave it, I don’t know what he’s doing. I don’t even know if he thought that I was just a freakin’ time
traveling kid from the 80’s or he thought that I was
just pitching the idea just to renovate the
entire freakin’ bathrooms. We can fix everything (laughs). But he wasn’t up for either of those. I actually had underestimated how tight the pants were because I could not get them off. So I had to end up cutting them off. Some part of me wanted to keep the pants and just wash them and
then wear them again for eternity, so I could, you know, have that going for me, but a… Some people wonder why I don’t
have a million subscribers, I don’t even have the sweet rolls to support numbers like that. I don’t have no junk, I have no trunk. (laughs) What am I gonna do?

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