Unplanned Pregnancy, Adoption and the “Best Gift Ever”

I just remember waking
up and feeling different. I decided to take a pregnancy
test, and the first one I took was positive. And I didn’t want to believe
it, so I took a few more, and the results were the same. And I was so scared. I grew up in a
really strong family. We went to church
every Sunday, and some of the standards that we
teach are, don’t have sex before you’re married, don’t
drink alcohol, avoid drugs. When I left home for college,
I questioned everything that I was taught. I honestly felt
like this Church was full of rules and restrictions,
and that was my attitude. I wanted to find out,
well, why is this so bad? I began drinking
on the weekends, and the weekends turned
to a couple days a week. And I met a guy at a party. He was nice enough,
and I didn’t really have anywhere else to go, so
I decided to move in with him. It took me a while to kind
of realize what was happening and realize that this
was in fact my reality, because I didn’t want to
believe it for a while. And I felt so alone. I didn’t know how I was
going to tell my family. I didn’t even know
what they would think or what they would say. And I know they were
already disappointed in me and some of my decisions. And I felt unworthy to pray. I felt like, why would He
want to listen to me now after I had neglected Him? But I did. My first prayer
changed it all for me, and I burst into
tears because that was the first time I actually
felt Him, felt my Savior, felt my Heavenly Father. My family just welcomed
me with open arms. It was actually
really overwhelming. I felt like I was
unworthy for that love, but it was exactly
what I needed. Eventually I got excited. I got excited to be a mom,
but there was always something in the back of my mind. The thought of not
being able to give her a big family like I was raised
in was really hard for me. Through a lot of prayer
and sleepless nights and a lot of tears, I
finally came to the decision to place her for adoption. I was so overwhelmed
with this next decision of finding her family, and I
felt like I was praying 24/7. The second I saw
this family’s blog, I just fell in love with them. I just felt at peace. When I finally went into labor,
I thought I was prepared. I thought, “OK, I
made this decision. I’ve grieved. This will be OK. I’ll be OK.” It was like I had to
make this decision to place my little
girl for adoption all over again, because it was
real, because I could see her, I was holding her. I could just envision
her potential. I got a glimpse,
just a small glimpse at how much love God has for
me, God has for my little girl, that God has for every
single one of us. I never understood
love till then. That night I remember thinking
about all the decisions that led up to this day
and thinking, “How am I going to move forward in life? How am I supposed to
move on without her? How am I supposed to leave
this hospital empty-handed?” I didn’t think it was possible,
and I pleaded with God. I was begging God. And I remember asking my
dad for a father’s blessing. I don’t remember what
was said in that prayer, but I honestly felt
God’s arms around me, and I knew that the
only way that I could move forward and continue
with the decision I made was with Him and His help. The next morning,
on Christmas Eve, was when I signed my
parental rights away. I wanted her to
look really pretty. I picked out an outfit
for her, and there’s this shirt I bought her
that said “Best Gift Ever.” Then I woke up Christmas
morning, and she wasn’t there. I couldn’t look
down and feel her. I couldn’t go check on her. Despite everything that
I have gone through, I’ve realized how
blessed I am and how much love God has for
everybody, including me. You can either
become bitter, or you can become better through God. Through the grace
of God, I’ve been able to forgive myself of
my mistakes and be happy now and really have
hope for my future and for the future
of my little girl. It’s incredible.

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